Review: Strange Weather in Tokyo

Strange Weather in Tokyo read similarly to the way a cup of coffee or tea acts to keep you company rather than to drink up right away. It is a leisurely read following a slow-paced and simple romance between a now-adult student and her older ex-teacher. The main characters are both reserved and unhurried in almost every interaction as their plot-less time together passes. If you prefer a passionate love story, this book may not be your favorite, but Tsukiko and Sensei’s progression of companionship aligns with who both characters seem to be at heart. While I wasn’t completely invested in them, by the end of this read I was still touched by their story. 3 stars

Reflections on moving on

Are transition periods supposed to feel so long?

The summer of 2018 I experienced two life-changing events: I travelled out of the country for the first time ever when I studied abroad in Seoul and a relationship I thought would be forever ended not so gracefully. It is approaching 2 years since these events took place and as I’m preparing for the next stage of my life, I can’t help but think of what has passed to bring me to this next step.

This autumn, public health permitting, I’ll be moving from the east coast to Seattle, WA for grad school to earn my Master’s in Social Work. The process of building my resume, applying for the program, waiting to hear back (honestly the most stressful part), and now accepting admission and figuring out all the financial logistics have been during my gap year from school after completing undergrad. Sometimes it feels more like I have been sitting, frozen in misunderstanding, for more like 5 years than 2. More than anything, this time of transition has made me realize how much of life is a chain of events- how one thing truly affects the next in ways we could never have thought they would. In Korea, I met Sam, one of my most dear friends now. We met halfway through the summer term but spent almost every day together since we met. After we returned to our respective American coasts, I managed to visit him in Seattle. Not only did his friendship during one of the worst heartbreaks of my life continuously comfort me in a way that was, with no exaggeration, a lifeline for me (even with only a couple visits a year and living in different time zones!) but I would never have considered going to graduate school on the west coast had I not met and connected with him. As much as I still struggle with the breakup I experienced, I also would never have strayed so far if that had not happened.

It’s funny how things change. Boarding my flight for Asia was terrifying. It felt like I was leaving my life behind. Returning, I felt like my life had decided to actually leave me behind, instead. So now, I’m going. I was in no rush to run away before, but now all I want to do is be somewhere new. With all the change that summer brought, my mental health fluctuated. I missed the first week of my senior year in order to seek treatment. I had relied heavily on my alma mater therapist and medication and self-harm. I stabilized enough to be able to function without those things. I threw myself into work. I isolated. I reached out again. I made new connections. I lost some more. I recovered some lost. All within what, to me, has been a time of transition.

I don’t know yet how things will change once I move, but I do know things will change. I am open to not only moving on, but moving forward and a change of scenery and the opportunity to find a new community are things that I owe to consequence, nevertheless. I don’t know if its fate but I am still working to make life not just livable, but joyful again.

How do you cope with change? Have you made changes or been affected by any major changes recently that have left you confused? Grateful? Angry?

Netflix’s Elite and ‘Deviant’ Sexualities

This post contains spoilers for the 2018 Netflix drama Elite.

The Netflix series Elite follows a group of Spanish private high school students, some on scholarship, most rich kids with powerful parents. There’s partying, there’s sex, there’s murder. Think Riverdale except good. I’m not too interested in reviewing the series as whole, but I do want to talk about a few of the relationships the show features which are really what held my interest for 3 whole seasons. There’s representation of different sexualities and relationship styles, definitely, but the show didn’t escape a lot of the tired tropes and stereotypes about queer relationships that are everywhere.

One of my undergrad final papers was on the Evil TV Bisexual trope which presents us with untrustworthy, shady, morally ambiguous, and usually deeply confused characters who are shown as bisexual. We are presented with these characters and where I am initially excited to see someone who apparently loves like me, it’s rare the character will say the word “bisexual” or “pansexual”. The best we can get is often “I don’t do labels” or another character insisting that “but you’re really -” usually gay with male characters and usually straight for characters who are women. Sometimes there are characters who are just ‘behaviorally bisexual’ but never address the changing gender of sex partners, or if they do, it is cause of much internal stress. Basically, when we get bi characters they aren’t proud of their sexuality.

Early on in Elite, rich couple Carla and Polo notice that Christian, a class clown and new student not from their socioeconomic class (he’s poor but he knows how to have fun), is obviously interested in Carla. Beginning as a game to spice up their own sex life, Carla begins hooking up with Christian while keeping Polo in the loop of everything they do together. Eventually, Christian finds out that the secret is not really a secret and all 3 begin hooking up as a trio. Although Carla enjoys shocking her parents with a rebellious, semi-public confession of the tryst at one point, its understood that Christian is not particularly interested in Polo romantically or sexually outside of the fun of their taboo threesomes.

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Christian, Carla, and Polo

In season 3, Polo is in a (unfulfilling) relationship with Cayetana, largely due to the two of them being social outcasts and Cayetana latching onto the long-term benefits that dating someone like Polo (wealthy + alone) can have for her. As she continues trying to maintain relevancy in Polo’s life as his girlfriend, the couple end up bonding with Valerio, another student who had been ostracized by their peers. This season, things are different in terms of actual mutual romance and Polo’s (kind of) confirmed bisexuality. To start with, Polo convinces lifelong friend, Ander, out as gay, into mutually masturbating. Ander talks about how their friendship with another character was different before he came out and “before you [Polo] were bi”. “Bi?” Polo asks, as if he never considered his sexual exploits with other guys to alter his presumed heterosexuality. He nods and shrugs though, seeming to accept the observation.

Back to the throuple that is Polo, Cayetana, and Valerio: it is much more obvious that the 3 high school seniors are actually invested in their relationship with each other. Valerio expresses sadness to the couple, stating that he feels there is no word for his addition. Polo and Cayetana both comfort him, assuring him that they both care about him and that their grouping is about more than sex. The three even invite him and begin plotting going to university together abroad, free to pursue their romantic triad with less boundaries. The 3 are caught hooking up in Polo’s family pool by his two mothers, and Polo seriously and level-headily defends the relationship, even comparing their intolerance to the homophobia his mothers might’ve faced. This does not go over well with his mothers.

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Valerio, Cayetana, and Polo

While it was nice seeing a polyamorous relationship explored and enjoyed on Elite season three, especially after the teasing of such a dynamic with Christian the first season, its important to note the way that the participants are characterized throughout the show. If you’ve never seen the show and don’t want major spoilers, stop reading now. To start, while Polo still ends up being an endearing character who elicits sympathy, he is a blueprint Evil Bisexual trope. He is, at least until Ander tells him, confused about his bisexuality. Oh, and he’s a murderer. The cause of much of his own inner moral turmoil until the end of season 3, it is known to the audience for 2 whole seasons that Polo accidentally kills and then hides the truth about his lifelong friend Guzman’s younger sister. It doesn’t get more evil than covering up a murder. Cayetana’s character arc exposes her to be a manipulative liar, concerned only with social climbing and hiding the truth about her economic class. Valerio, the missing piece that Cayetana says is just what the relationship needs to be revitalized? A drug-dealer who was in love with and making out with his half-sister. Yeah, incest. Considering all this, its hard to really see the relationship as a win for an example of healthy polyamory or progress in representing queer love.

Another pitfall follows siblings Nadia and Omar. Nadia attends the private school on a scholarship, navigating being a good Muslim daughter, exploring love, and pursuing her academic goals. In season 3, Nadia discovers her new boyfriend, respected by her father for being a good Muslim, but showing Nadia that she can lie to protect her family and live her life the way she wants to, is not who she thinks he is. His charm is exposed as a front when he cheats on Nadia with her gay brother, Omar, causing him in turn to cheat on his boyfriend Ander after discovering upsetting medical news. Omar not only never confesses the truth to Ander, who finds out and feels to blame for the infidelity, but also never truly apologizes for hurting his sister. Instead he shucks blame entirely and Nadia forgives him without him ever really taking accountability for not only cheating on his sick boyfriend but also for being a shitty brother. Again, having a secondary character (Nadia’s boyfriend) portrayed as a down-low gay (Black Muslim) man who hurts people without shame and Omar also being shown as being deceitful and sexually shameful when he disregards his family- are queer people being shown as human beings capable of human mistakes or is it being communicated that we are always hiding some inherent deviance?

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Omar and Ander

To end on a positive note, one thing I do for sure think Elite did well was the growth and progression of Nadia and Lu’s friendship by the end of season 3. Beginning as enemies in a love triangle, Lucretia and Nadia end up bonding and forging a genuine found family with each other that truly made me happy. Elite definitely did them right in allowing the girls to outgrow not only the Mean Girl attitude of pining for the same boy, but you also see them genuinely protect each other, respect each other, and feel for each others’ emotional wounds. A genuine and natural illustration of girls supporting girls. I love to see it.

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Nadia and Lu

Hello, dear friend.

My last post was almost 2 years ago now. My hiatus was unplanned, as I feel they often are. Many things have happened but I have rediscovered healing through writing and I hope to use my words to come back to you and come back to myself. I hope you are still with me. If not, that’s okay, too. If you’re new: hello. I will try my very best to be vulnerable and to be here. That’s what its all about.

You are queer enough

Something that has been very frustrating navigating is feeling like I have to defend my (bi)sexuality to pan friends and peers, especially when the conversation circles around the idea of bisexuality not feeling like enough for others. That’s okay. It is more than enough for me, and I feel at home in my identity, and it is important to uphold that and not let systemic biphobia be something that persists, internalized in me.

Our curator Karen Pollock puts out a heartfelt plea for LGBTQ+ people to stop excluding those who don’t meet arbitary standards from the community.

Another day, another media platform positioning one sexual identity as “better” than another, this time Glamour Magazine with its article on pansexuality.

Before we get into the meat of this piece, let me make one thing clear, pan is a valid sexual identity, one which many people hold, and which no more deserves to be mocked or belittled than any of the better known identities.

However pan people, unless they also define as bi (which is not uncommon, where bi is seen as an umbrella term) do not get to define what bi means. Bi people do, and they generally consider bisexual to mean attraction to more than one gender(s).

So, disclaimer over, I rather feel like Claudia Winkleman on Strictly reading the terms and conditions.

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2018 Things

“Last year I abstained, this year I devour

Without guilt, which is also an art.   – Margaret Atwood

I’ve never had a particularly good New Year’s Eve. Nothing bad has ever really happened, but in the past my night usually consisted of obligatorily watching a live-stream of the ball dropping in NYC and feeling the weight of the year’s regrets, hollowing me out, while the crowd cheers at midnight. There are a few good times I remember, like New Years I get to spend in the Bronx with family I don’t get to see often. Those don’t feel as feigned. And it’s not as if I dread spending the holiday with my immediate family! It just has always felt like a forced, mandatory joy, even when I’ve felt closed off from them. My mind is flooded with all I’ve lost and all the ways I  maybe could’ve ended up happier if things had turned out differently. Really, I think the retrospective atmosphere of this particular time of year always just triggers already present symptoms that I was trying to suppress before I started feeling comfortable engaging with my mental health as it was is.

I don’t want to feel that way this year. And I don’t mean that in the neurotypical, faux-positive “you can choose happiness!!!!” sort of way. It’s not like I actively try to feel shitty every January 31st, you know?? What I mean is that I want to become more active in what I’ve been thinking about more this year: taking steps towards growth and healing and happiness and connection that will better my life. I’m choosing to think of my resolutions as “I will”s, instead “I hope”s. So, here are some of the things I’m doing in 2018:

I will stop punishing myself and my body. Forgive myself for not always being strong. Listen to my body when it needs to rest. Start taking my compulsive overeating seriously. Stop eating in my car. Take better car of my skin. Wash my face more consistently. Stop watching so much Netflix. Do my makeup more. Stretch more often. Listen to more full albums. Skip less songs. Compile better playlists. Be more patient with the people I love. Focus more on the people I love. Stop letting strangers intimidate me. Put my love on the line. Be okay with rejection. Nurture the relationships that I have. Stand up for myself, not just others. Respect my own boundaries. Explore showing people I care about them in ways besides gift-giving and self-sacrifice. Explore love more. Communicate with my friends and family when I’m proud of them, and when something is wrong. Show the people I’m used to the same attention I’d show anyone new. Stop valuing relationships that hurt me out of internal obligation. Learn how to budget myself. Read more. Always read more. Write more. Review more. Turn my phone off more. Talk with people about things that make them happy. Talk with people about things that hurt. Support people who I believe in. Find more to believe in. Explore my spirituality. Accept criticism. Do more things for myself. Do more things alone. Be more present. Take more risks. Feel the fullness of life.

I hope this year is kind to you.

What are some things you’re doing for the better in 2018?